


Same Old Sad Songs

by froma2zee



Category: The Good Doctor - Fandom
Genre: Bare With My Cinnamon Bun, Claire’s Grieving Yall, F/M, I hope, Neil Is Heartbroken, They’ll Get It Together
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-06
Updated: 2020-03-06
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:28:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,976
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23042512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/froma2zee/pseuds/froma2zee
Summary: A heartbroken Neil Melendez lets himself get lost in the singer at the bar’s voice every single Friday. Well, the multiple glasses of whiskey help with that too. A certain resident stumbles upon him one night and after a while he feels as though he could help her out like she helped him.But why does it seem like things have gotten even more complicated?An angsty fic that hopefully has a happy ending.
Relationships: Claire Browne/Neil Melendez
Comments: 10
Kudos: 62





	1. Chapter 1

If there was one thing Neil Melendez knew how to do best; aside from being one of the best doctors at St. Bonaventure Hospital, it was mope. And that’s exactly what he was doing. In a bar drowning his sorrows and anger over his back to back failed relationships. 

He downed his fourth whiskey on the rocks and turned his attention to the front of the room. It was 10 o clock on a Friday. That meant she was coming on stage. The wonderful, smooth, alto sound of the mysterious masked woman that performed every Friday night had become his peace. She took her rightful place at the mic and he let himself be carried away by her voice. 

He liked to pretend he was in a better place when he heard her sing. Her voice would carry him away to a place where he’d be coming home from work to a faceless woman who always sang, the aromas of dinner always ready for him, and a little curly haired girl so happy to see him. The life he always wanted but never seemed to be able to have. 

5 more whiskies later and she was leaving the stage and he- well he was very drunk. The bartender had cut him off and was saying something about a taxi when he heard a familiar voice say that it would take him home. He opened his eyes to slits to meet the bright grey ones of Claire Browne. 

“Hey Melendez, lets get you out of here okay? But you gotta help me out because I can’t lift you completely.” 

He liked Claire, she was one of his best residents, she could go far because she had something that had started to lack in the field; natural empathy and a caring soul.

He stood as best as he could and felt himself be led out into the cold night air. He felt like he was swimming and that did nothing for his alcohol filled stomach. 

“I’m going to be sick.” 

“Okay. I got you; let’s walk over here.”

He got led to a trash can and before he could say “thank you”, his body began to purge the alcohol in its natural defense mechanism against poisoning. 

When he was done gagging, he got led to her car and before he knew it, he was being led out again and was in front of his front door. He was blacking out, it wouldn’t be long before he was out for good. 

He laid in his bed and felt her begin to remove his outer clothing but leaving him in his jeans and shirt. She brought back some water and medicine that she made him take then and there. After, sleep overtook him. 

********************************************************************************************************************* 

Neil woke up feeling much better than he expected to. Last night was foggy but he knew he drank his life away. He did every Friday. His mouth was extremely dry and his body had that achy feeling of a hangover but he didn’t have the usual splitting headache; so he’d be grateful.

He made his way into his living room to see bushy blonde hair peeking from the top of the couch. Claire was sleeping peacefully on his couch, curled up with just the tip of her thumb between her teeth. He didn’t want to wake her so he decided to make breakfast instead.

He was just turning to plate the food when he noticed those grey eyes peeking over the couch this time. 

“Hey sleepyhead. I hope you like your eggs scrambled because that’s the only way I know how to make them.”

She slowly emerged so that he could see her entire face then reached up to stretch. 

“I’ll take coffee first. Then maybe I can eat your non sunny side up eggs.” She smirked and it immediately placed a matching smirk on his face. 

“I knew it.” he said.

She laughed before walking over to join him in the kitchen. He noticed her toes were painted bright green. 

“I’m gonna eat and then head out. It’s pretty early and I don’t want to be caught leaving your apartment.” She chuckled. 

Right. She was his resident; this was already wildly inappropriate.

“You’re right. Well you can take it to go. That way you don’t have to wait up.” 

“Smart idea. Thanks Dr. Melendez.” She began to gather up her things and keys. 

“You can call me Neil outside of work. Thanks for helping me last night, you didn’t have to stay.”

“I just didn’t want you to have alcohol poisoning; you drank A LOT. Don’t wanna sound like a mom or anything but; you have a career, much bigger than mine. Don’t jeopardize it by drinking your sorrows away. Get a therapist.” 

With that she grabbed her food and was out the door.


	2. Chapter 2

When Neil returned to work the following day, there was no conversation about the bar nor he and Claire’s impromptu slumber party. 

He invited her out mainly to say thank you but she declined; saying that she had a prior engagement. He was surprised that he found himself slightly disappointed but brushed it off. He could always thank her another way. 

Friday night rolled around again. 

From what he could see, Claire wasn’t there, but his singer was; a wonderful constant in his hectic life. 

He was drunk of course. He mulled over what Claire had said to him before but he decided that drinking was much more fun. Besides, therapy; in his opinion, was for people who suffered through serious trauma and what would he look like going in for a simple breakup? 

That may have been a horrible thing to say as a doctor but hey; he wasn’t a psychologist.

He stood and made his way outside; in his drunken stupor, he crashed into a woman spilling her drink all down her front.

“I’m so sorry. I can pay for that!”

“Yeah you’re gonna pay alright.” A gruff voice came from behind him and before he could even get a glimpse of who spoke to him, a fist came crashing down on his face. 

He sat on floor too dizzy to move but bracing himself for another punch but it never came. 

“Lay another finger on him, you’ll lose it and I’m calling the cops.”

Claire. 

He looked up to see her with a gun pointed directly at the man. 

“I’m not afraid of you or your little gun bitch.” Declared this clearly psychotic man as he started towards her.

Claire took a deep breath, braced herself and cocked the gun.

The woman Neil crashed into earlier hurriedly ran in between the gun and who Neil assumed to be her significant other. 

“I don’t think this is necessary! Come on Snoop; let’s go.”

The man gave an ugly sneer before he turned and walked away. 

Claire immediately rushed to Neil, checking him over and making sure he was okay. 

“I might have a concussion.” He groaned out.

“Yeah that’s what I was worried about. Come on.” 

He wasn’t much help as she tried lifting him off the floor but she managed. 

The police had arrived and the ambulance not long after, so he sat in the back getting checked by the EMT while Claire gave a statement to the officers.  
He had just been given the clear when he noticed her making her way towards him.

“The owner backed me up and my gun is registered sooo I’m free to go. You alright?”

“Yeah, likely have a mild concussion but I’m a Doctor so I’m free to go. Just gotta watch out for what we know to watch out for and get some rest.”

She rocked back on her heels and shook her head in confirmation. 

“Okay good. I’m driving you home so let’s go.”

He didn’t argue just went into her car. 

“So what even happened in there?” 

He shrugged,   
“I’m drunk as hell. I knocked that girl’s drink on her by accident and next thing I knew I got fucking socked in the damn face. I apologized and all but I guess that didn’t matter. A better question is where the hell did you get a gun from?”

It was her turn to shrug.

“I uh, I’ve been making a lot of not so great decisions and a few weeks back I got into some shit so I figured it would be best to protect myself in all ways.” 

He couldn’t imagine Claire making bad decisions let alone ones that would put her in a position of being hurt or needing a firearm for protection. She just seemed so good.

He knew that he really didn’t know her outside of work to say that but still. Even now, she’d used that firearm for something good. 

“Bad decisions huh? For some reason I can’t picture that.”

“You’d be surprised. My mom was right; the apple doesn’t fall very far from the tree.”

He frowned; cynical didn’t fit her.

“Are you alright?”

She looked at him and for the first time he realized how dead her eyes looked. 

“I’m trying to be. My- my mom died back when I got my first surgery. You’re the only other person besides Morgan who knows. As much as I went through with my mom; I didn’t want her to die.” She kept her eyes on the road and he noticed she had a death grip on the steering wheel. 

“Damn Claire. I’m so sorry. You’ve been dealing with this alone?”

Knowing that she had been internalizing all of this made his heart jump strangely. Claire was too nice, too sweet of a person to be so dark and heavy. He realized that maybe he really didn’t know her at all. 

“Can I ask what happened? To your mom I mean.”  
He watched her shoulder rise with a silent deep breath; she kept her eyes forward but he could still see them glistening with tears. 

“She was driving drunk. I had a damn bottle of champagne to celebrate me getting the surgery and she fucking drank it and crashed. She was DOA. I wish I never even got the damn surgery. Then there would have been nothing to celebrate. She was doing good and we were working on our relationship. We were fixing things and-.” Her voice broke as she paused. 

“You don’t have to keep going. I’m sorry.”

He didn’t know what to do or say to make anything better for her but he wanted to. 

“It’s okay. I should’ve known it was too good to be true. I let myself get attached and I never do and I definitely shouldn’t have let myself get attached to her.” 

By then she had pulled into his parking deck. 

“I’m not staying the night, but I will help you get settled in. Thank you for letting me talk. You’re better than my therapist.” 

Her chuckle was dark; he didn’t like it so he remained silent and gave a nod instead. 

She did exactly what she said she would and he was left alone with his thoughts. 

*********************************************************************************************************************

He spotted Claire after work headed to her car. 

“Hey! You should come out with me tonight.” He said running up to catch her.

“You don’t have to pity me Dr. Melendez.”

“I told you, it’s Neil outside of work, and it’s not pity at all! I just want to repay you for saving my ass these past few times and being a good friend.”

He could see she was still contemplating so he gave her his best puppy dog face.

“Come onnnn, it’ll be funnnn.”

“Oh my god, okay. How could I turn down that face huh?” 

“Exactly; you’d break my poor little heart. It’s been broken too much already.” 

He said it jokingly but Claire turned and gave him a look he couldn’t quite read before it left her face.

“Okay well let me go home and change out of these damn scrubs and I’ll meet you at your place?”

“Sounds like a plan.” 

Neil was strangely excited. He didn’t really know why he felt happy about Claire agreeing to go out with him but he wrote it off as just being happy that she was agreeing to something healthy. 

Now that he knew her mother died; he could clearly see the changes in her even if nobody else could. She put up a pretty decent front but her eyes told everything and her smiles never quite reached them; the usual light in them always far off and faded. He thought an outing like this would be good for her. 

Claire showed up to his door about an hour and a half later wearing a silk camisole and ripped jeans. Her toes, bright pink this time, peeked out of some strappy glittery heels she’d paired with the ensemble. 

She looked good; her jeans hugging her petite body just right. He secretly and quickly appreciated his view as she walked through the door. 

“Thank you for coming out with me.” 

“Not a problem and like you said; you owe me.”   
She said with a cheeky grin, 

“I’m kidding.”

She laughed at his facial expression. 

“Well come on I’m gonna take you to one of my favorite spots!”

Neil decided to take her to Mama Rosa’s, a little mom and pop Italian restaurant that he had found in one of his depressed escapades. 

“Oh wow; it’s so cozy in here.” She admonished as they stepped through the doorway. 

“Yeah I found this place after me and Jess split. I’ve realized I’m a binge eater.”

“That’s better than what I am.”

He winced at her tone. Dark and cynical was not good on her at all. 

“Hey look, we’re grieving. We’ll be alright.”

She shrugged,  
“I don’t know, my mom said that in dark times who you really are comes through no matter how hard you tried to fight it.”

She wouldn’t make eye contact with him instead opting to stab at her salad.

“Well as a doctor; you know better than that. So start acting like it.” 

“Yes Dr. Melendez.” 

The table got silent. He hadn’t meant to upset her but she needed to know that she was a good person; though he knew what he said had made her shut down. 

He watched as her eyes caught the appearance of someone and he turned to see a well dressed man walk in with his family. The man’s gaze caught Claire’s and he quickly turned away. 

Neil turned his gaze back to Claire’s to find her sinking down into her chair and squirming uncomfortably. He remembered the slap she had gotten from a patient’s wife and put two and two together.

“You sure know how to pick them.” She mumbled to herself not thinking he’d heard her,  
“You know what, I think I’m gonna go. Consider your debt repaid Dr. Melendez but I don’t think any of this is a good idea.” 

She stood and began to gather her things preparing for her exit from the restaurant.

“Claire. Wait! Don’t go.” He said standing after her.

“No. This is way too personal. All of this is. I helped you when you were drunk which I need you to stop getting so often; but it’s okay. I would’ve done it for anyone, you don’t have to repay me.” She turned out the door. 

He followed behind her. He grabbed her hand turning her to face him.

“No Claire. You need someone to be-.”

She snatched her hand.

“I don’t need anyone! I don’t need pity or what you feel is a comforting shoulder. I have never needed anyone and I don’t now.”

She began to walk off and he kept his pursuit. It was dark and he wasn’t about to let her walk alone.

“Claire at least let me take you home.”

“I can walk.”

She was walking so fast that even he was struggling to catch and he made a mental note to get in better shape because she was in heels.

“Claire, we’re 8 miles from your house!”

She stopped and turned on him so fast he struggled to stop.

“What’s your thing with me huh? What, you wanna get laid? Are you another Coyle; just smoother and hiding behind the role of the concerned attending? I saw how you looked at me today when you opened the door. I’ve been watching you watch me. Do you wanna fuck me too Dr. Melendez?” She was chest to chest with him her lips ghosting above his ear. 

He grabbed her by her arms and pushed her back so that he could look her into her eyes. 

“Don’t. Ever. Disrespect me. Ever. Again.” His tone was dark and he gently shoved her away before he walked away. 

He got in his car before he pulled around knowing she’d be in the same spot he’d left her in. She was sitting on the curb with her head in her hands; the sobs shaking her body. 

It was like Deja Vu, him coming and laying a comforting hand on her shoulder as she sobbed. 

“Come on, let me take you home.” 

She got into his car and curled herself away from him.

“I’m sorry. I just find myself wanting to hurt people. I don’t know what’s wrong with me anymore Neil. I don’t know.”

“Claire you’ve been through so much. You just need to open up and let people in. But I’m not going to force it on you and I’m sorry for pushing you further than you wanted to go. For the record, I am not trying to get into your pants. I mean yes you’re attractive; you’re absolutely beautiful Claire but I would never try and take advantage of you or be like Coyle. I’m your attending; I pride myself in being ethical and professional and any insinuation that I wouldn’t be is hurtful to me.” 

He was still angry. Truth be told he was absolutely pissed off but he knew that Claire was grieving and he didn’t want to hold it against her. 

“I know that Neil. I’m sorry. I truly am. I know you’re not like Coyle. I know that you wouldn’t take advantage of me.” 

She sunk down into her seat,  
“I’m trying to do better and be better. I’m gonna see if I can do therapy twice a week or something. I don’t want to be like this anymore.” 

“One day at a time Claire. One day at a time.”

He dropped her off at her car and watched her pull off .


	3. Chapter 3

Another Friday, another night at the bar.

_“Sometimes I feel, like a motherless child. Sometimes I feel, like a motherless child.”_

His singers sorrowful alto filled the bar. Every time she sang the bar would be silent; everyone captivated by her voice and the mystery of who she was.

_“A long way from home.”_

Neil was back in his happy place. A beautiful wife greeted him from the kitchen, her back turned to him as she cooked, hair now blonde and curly down her back. His daughter, who’s eyes were now big, bright, and a familiar grey ran to jump in his arms.

Lately his thoughts had led him to Claire more often than not.

They had somehow gravitated to one another in these past few weeks, on purpose or not, he really didn’t know.

She ended up at the gym with him again and then they agreed to go to lunch at the Thai place around the corner. She ranted and raved about it so much that he couldn’t say no to going with her. The conversation and the food was great. The company even greater.

Then she came by with a bottle of wine and they sat on his patio drinking and just enjoying the company.

He took her to see his sister one day spontaneously after a long conversation about family.

_~ He spotted her in the cafeteria, sipping an apple juice with a huge banana nut muffin in front of her. She noticed him and smiled; waving him over._

_“Hey there. Haven’t seen you at the gym.”He noted._

_“Yeah it’s getting warmer so I try to do my jogging outside. We can meet up if you want.”_

_He nodded, “Yeah I might take you up on that. I need to do better; that night at Mama Rosa’s you were out-walking me in heels. I told myself I needed to get in shape.”_

_Her giggle made him chuckle._

_“Well I’ll text you in the morning then.”_

_Their attention turned to a family; a mother and father and their three kids, two of whom were running around the table laughing._

_“That must be nice.”_

_“What? Having a family?”_

_“Yeah.” She stared wistfully at the family, “I don’t know what that’s like; to have siblings and a mom and dad. I don’t know any of my family and well, you know how my mom was. I always said if I got married I’d want a bunch of kids. I wouldn’t want my kids to ever have to feel lonely.”_

_He smiled listening to the laughter of the kids._

_“Yeah. I have a sister, Gabi, and a brother, Luis. Luis is older and Gabi is the baby. I think it is nice to have siblings. I had someone to protect me and also someone to protect. I want a bunch of kids too. My parents only had us three, but they both came from big families. Our gatherings are amazing. I want my legacy to continue like that.”_

_She hummed in acknowledgment._

_“It’ll probably never happen for me; I know I want to be married but in order to be married I’d have to actually attach myself to a person and that doesn’t seem to be possible right now.”_

_She sounded sad; he looked and saw she had all of her focus in picking nuts out of her muffin._

_“You’re still healing; you never know what could happen.”_

_She looked up at him and then nodded._

_“You’re right.”_

_“Hey I need to visit my sister anyways, you want to join me? How long do you have on your lunch?”_

_“I’d just sat down before you came. I’d love to go.”_

_And they took off~_

Watching Claire with Gabi pretty much sold him on his suspicions.

_He was falling for Claire_.

Which is exactly why he was in this bar drunk off his ass again for the first time in weeks.

He’d still come to listen to the singer; but he hadn’t felt a need to drink in a while.

_‘Probably cuz you’ve been distracted by someone else.’_

It was an issue because it wasn’t ethical and it definitely wasn’t professional. It was everything he was against. Everything that he ranted and raved about how much he was.

He let himself and his thoughts be carried away by his singer.

“Neil? Neil, wake up. Come on let’s get you out of here.”

He felt her cool hands touch his face.

“Heyy Claire.” His words slurred, but he was happy to see her.

“Neil, I thought you weren’t going to drink anymore?”

She helped him into his feet and got him outside where he was sick, not able to make it to a trash can this time.

She got him into her car and drove to her house this time.

“I’m a sad man Claire. Y’know why?”

He was rambling; words spilling out like bile.

“Why’s that?”

“Cuz I’m falling for a woman I ain’t supposed to. I dunno how it happened either. You’re just too damn beautiful.”

He was in too deep.

“You know how many people are in love with you Claire? You can add me to the list.”

She was silent as she helped him into her place. She helped him into her bed and got him comfortable. She helped him swallow down an aspirin and some water and then she left him in the dark.

When he woke up it was early morning but still dark. He got up and padded his way into the living room to find her still up watching something on tv.

“Hey. Uh thanks for this.”

“No problem.”

“Have you been up all night?” He sat on the opposite end of the couch.

“Yeah, I’ve had some things on my mind. Can’t really sleep.”

Silence filled the room for a while until she spoke again.

“Did you mean what you said?” Her voice was soft.

“What did I say?”

“You told me that you were in love with me. Asked me if I knew how many people were in love with me and to add you to that list.”

She was staring at him.

Neil was silent for a moment.

“Yes. I do think I’m falling for you. I don’t know how or when it happened and I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable. We don’t have to associate with one other outside of the hospital anymore.”

She nodded slowly and stood.

“Uh I’m gonna go take a shower and see if that maybe helps me sleep.”

“O-okay.”

He sat watching the tv when he heard it.

_“Sometimes I feel, like a motherless child. A long way from home.”_

His singer’s soulful voice.

Coming from Claire’s bathroom.

It was Claire. She was the singer.

It explained why she was always there at the bar every Friday even though it never seemed as though she was drinking. His heart leapt into his throat. He couldn’t say anything to her; because how could he? The singer manifested all of his thoughts about how he was falling in love with Claire and now it came full circle because Claire knew that he was in love with her.

She stepped out and into her room before coming back out in a silk gown with her wet hair in waves around her shoulders; weighted down by the water. He was getting a drink of water in her kitchen. The air was charged with the weight of his admission.

“Neil?”

She was walking towards him.

“Yes Claire?”

“Consider this one of my bad decisions.”

And suddenly her lips were on his.

It was like a fire had started from his toes and made its way up his body. He grabbed the small of her back and pulled her into him. She was more intoxicating than anything he’d ever drank.

Her tongue was gently coaxing him to let her enter. He knew in the back of his mind that this was wrong; in more ways than one. He knew that professionally and personally this was going to open a can of worms but he _couldn’t_ stop himself.

He picked her up and put her on the kitchen counter settling himself between her legs, his hands were gliding through her glorious hair. Her fingers skimmed the bottom of his shirt as if asking permission to take it off.

“Go ahead..” he whispered before he let her remove the item that she threw behind her like it was trash.

She sat back and marveled at his tattoo before planting light kisses around it then she placed her tongue on his nipple and swirled lightly.

The moan he let out almost embarrassed him and he lifted her head up and began to plant his own kisses down her neck.

“Neil...”her moans sounded like music to his ears.

Her fingers slid down his chest to his pants and pushed them down using her feet to push them the rest of the way. He slid her to the edge of the counter before he entered her without hesitation.

They gasped in unison at the feeling. It was too good. Much too good.

“Fuck.” She said with a chuckle. He looked at her and her eyes were closed with a smile of pure ecstasy on her face.

“Look at me.” He pulled her head forward and held their foreheads together as he stared her in her eyes while he stroked her.

“I love you.”

He used his other arm to pull her closer pushing him deeper until they were flush against one another. She stared into his eyes but she would not speak.

He kept going. Long deep strokes. He wanted her to feel what he was saying to her. He needed her to feel this love; even if it went nowhere.

Her mouth fell open in a silent ‘O’ but she never broke eye contact.

Her breathing got faster and faster with each stroke.

“I love you Claire.” He spoke again. He resolved to saying it at every stroke.

_I love you_

_I love you_

_I love you._

She closed her eyes and threw her head back. He could feel her coming close. Her walls clenching him sporadically instead of the even rhythm he’d set.

“No baby, look at me.” He whispered and her eyes flew open as she put her forehead back to his.

“Are you cumming? Cum for me mamí. _Te quiero mucho mí amor._ I love you. Cum for me.”

He was so deep and she was like a glove around him. Heaven on Earth.

She gasped aloud and let out a long moan.

“I love you Neil... I-!” Her eyes clenched shut as she let her orgasm wash over her and at her words Neil followed right behind her.

They sat together until their breathing slowed and he went soft. His head was cradled into her neck when he heard her whisper,

“You should go.”

Her hands gently pushed him back before she climbed down from the counter and walked into her room, closing the door.

Fuck.

*********************************************************************************************************************

Returning to work wasn’t easy. Neil avoided Claire as much as possible. He couldn’t get the sound of her out of his head; the feel of her off of his body.

He avoided the bar at all costs and at work staying in his office was the move and he only interacted with everyone when he had to. That way nobody would notice like they would if he’d solely avoided Claire.

He knew she could tell. He could see her passing glances at him through the hall and through his door. She never approached him like he thought she would have.

2 weeks had passed and he was in the locker room when she walked in.

He hurried and went to the shower avoiding eye contact with her.

He sat for a long while stewing in his thoughts before finally scrubbing himself down and coming out, stopping abruptly when he saw she was still in there sitting on the bench in front of his locker.

“Are you going to keep ignoring and avoiding me?” She said watching him as he got dressed.

“I don’t know what there is to talk about.”

“I thought we were friends; I didn’t know there had to be something specific to talk about.”

He turned to face her.

“Claire, you know why we can’t be friends anymore. Never mind that you called me a bad decision.”

Her shoulders slumped down with the wince she gave at his recall of her words.

“I’m sorry. It can’t happen again and you know that more than I do. But, I didn’t want it to ruin our friendship. I’m sorry that I keep hurting you.” She got up and walked away.

“Claire.”

His voice stopped her but she didn’t turn around.

“Did you mean it? Just tell me yes or no.”

He watched her shoulders rise with a deep intake of breath.

“Yes.”

And with that, she was out of the door.

**************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************

Friday came and Neil was at the bar but he wasn’t drinking. Claire didn’t know that he knew she was the mystery singer but he missed her voice, he missed her, and watching her sing helped him daydream of a better, less complicated life.

“Three in a row Neil; three in a god damn row.” He mumbled to himself.

“This song is pretty relevant to my personal life right now; so I hope you enjoy it.”

_“I’m not scared of lions, and tigers, and bears, but I’m scared of loving you. I’m not scared to perform at a sold out affair, but I’m scared of loving you.”_

He turned to watch her knowing that she was singing about him.

_“Am I the only one who thinks it’s an impossible task? Why it don’t last? Is that too much to ask? Why do we love love; when love seems to hate us?”_

What a good question. He didn’t have an answer.

_“Just cuz I love you, and you love me, it doesn’t mean that we’re meant to be. I can climb mountains, swim cross the sea, but the most frightening thing is you and me.”_

This was probably the most painful. Claire was off limits and as much as he told himself so he still let his inhibitions go and he slipped up. Admitting he loved her and knowing she loved him back but they couldn’t do anything about it was like hell on earth.

He knew that Claire’s reputation was everything to her. She was an amazing doctor. He didn’t want her to be disrespected by any of her colleagues or accused of sleeping her way to the top. Her being at the top would’ve been all on her own.

_“I’m not sure no, I’m not sure, but if we never try we’ll never know. It’s better to have loved than not to loved at all. Not trying is worse than to stumble and fall and if we do; I’d rather it be with you, cuz at least there will be sweet memories.”_

He didn’t want to hear the rest of the songs, at this point he knew that the bar was a place that he might not ever come to again. He gathered his things to leave and went home.

He had just fallen asleep when he heard the knock on his door.

He slowly padded his way into the living room rubbing the sleep from his eyes and opened the door.

Claire.

“Claire what are you-.”

He was cut off with her lips on his yet again. He almost lost himself in it until the familiar smell of whiskey filled his nose.

He pulled her off gently, she continued to push her body into his.

“Claire; you’re drunk and I’m not going to take advantage of you no matter how much I love and want you.”

She pushed his hands off her arms and kissed his neck,

“I’m not that drunk, I know where I am and who I’m with.” She murmured.

Her lips made their way up to his again. He was rising, straining against his pants by this point. He grit his teeth together and pulled her away again.

“What happened to never again? The bad decision?”

He was trying to bring her back to reality.

“Fuck what I said. I _need_ you.”

He was failing to fight her.She was intoxicating, but that reminded him that she was intoxicated. He couldn’t, wouldn’t take advantage of her.

He pulled her back off firmly this time.

“Claire. We aren’t doing this tonight okay? Go to the bathroom and clean up; I’ll give you some pajamas and you can sleep in my guest room.”

His words seemed to sober her up and she looked at him like it was the first time she’d seen him this entire time.

“I’m sorry. I don’t- I’m gonna go. I’m sorry I came here.”

He grabbed her again pulling her to him.

“Don’t run Claire. It’s storming, you’re drunk and you don’t need to be out in the night alone. I’m not angry with you. I just want to make sure you’re taken care of okay? Go to the bathroom.”

His brown eyes met her grey ones.

“Okay.”

He laid out some pajama pants and a T-shirt along with water, a banana, and some aspirin. He heard her leave the bathroom but stayed in his room until sleep claimed him again.

He was awakened again to a soft knock; this time on his bedroom door.

“Come in.”

The door opened and Claire sheepishly stepped inside of his bedroom. She had only his shirt on.

“The pants were just too long. It was uncomfortable. I uh- I don’t like thunderstorms. Can I sleep in here with you? I won’t try anything. I can’t sleep. If not it’s okay; I can just go watch t-.”

“It’s okay. Come on.”

He remembered that it was storming the night they made love; why she was out in the living room that night.

She slid into bed.

It was silent for a beat until the room was filled with her soft and even breathing.

Claire was unsurprisingly gone by the morning. A dull ache filled his chest even though he expected it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don’t hate me y’all! Lmao But also don’t hate Claire!   
> Like I said; she’s grieving and grief is complex. We don’t act like ourselves. She’ll get better!


	4. Chapter 4

He had gotten to be better at pretending to be normal at work. Claire had completely taken over his mind. It was draining. He’d wondered often why it seemed he and love were enemies. He hadn’t broken any hearts as a young boy, hadn’t played around with anyone. What was this; his Karma? Was he paying for some past life transgressions he didn’t even know about? 

He sat waiting for her to finish her weekly performance before he followed her to the dressing room.

“Claire.” 

She had on a beautiful green gown that seemed to make her bright eyes shine even brighter which he could see widen in shock as she saw him. 

“Neil? How-.”

“Your singing.”

She opened the door to the dressing room which really wasn’t a dressing room at all; but a storage room. 

He followed her in.

“Okay so you found out my secret. Don’t tell anyone okay? This is like my escape.” 

“Mine too. I come here every Friday to listen to you and imagine my life is better. Just to have found out it’s you.” He chuckled shaking his head at the irony,  
“I’ve been in love with your voice and it’s helped soothe my depression and it belong to the woman I love, which is why I’m depressed. Ha!” He laughed darkly.

Claire was silent.

“Sorry. I don’t even know why I came back here or what the purpose of this conversation was. I’m sorry.” He said as he turned to go. 

Her silence was everything he needed to hear. 

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At 12 am, with insomnia ruining his sleep, his phone pinged with a text notification.

Claire.

-R U up?- C  
He debated on whether or not he wanted to respond.

-I’m in my car- C  
He realized it was storming outside and it made sense that she’d be texting him. 

-Yes- N

-Can I come over?- C

Did he want to do this to himself? Did he want to add on to this whirlwind of complicated emotions by letting Claire in figuratively and literally? He knew that it probably wasn’t a good idea but his hands gained a mind of their own.

-Yeah. Come on.- N

There was a knock on the door not even five minutes later. 

It was silent as she walked in; a quiet awkwardness and she stood there like she didn’t know what to do or say, just knew she needed to be there. 

“You can take the guest room. I’m gonna go to sleep.”

He was tired. Mostly mentally. 

“Neil wait. Can we just talk?”

“Claire, I have nothing more to say.”

She walked up to him,  
“Well then let’s not use words. That’s easier for me. Can we?” Her voice was soft and she gently pulled his head down to meet her lips with his. 

He lost all control. Why did she have that effect on him? 

Goosebumps ran down his arms and shiver ran up his spine. He deepened their kiss and picked her up walking her back to his room; to his bed. He wanted this to feel so real. Maybe this would be the last time. 

He peeled her clothes away and kissed every ounce of skin he uncovered; by the time he came up to kiss her mouth again she was panting. She sat up and brought him to her; skillfully flipping them over to where she was on top. 

She leaned forward planting kiss on his lips, his jaw, his neck, ears. This time he was panting. 

Her hands slid under his shirt and he had to fight himself from arching off the bed at her touch.   
She brought his shirt up and over his head and slid down his body to remove his pants before placing him in her mouth. His hips shot up and he groaned loudly as his hands went through her hair. 

She took all of him down her throat with no issue and used those muscles to swallow around him. He’d never in his life received head this skilled, this good. His hips began rocking on their own up into her mouth. This was so pleasurable he couldn’t even focus. His eyes were clenched tight and he was moaning loud; not caring how he sounded at this point. 

He felt her tap his leg and he reeled back as she took a deep breath and went back in. He decided to pull her back up to him; he didn’t want to finish like that. She took the hint and straddled him, kissing him gently as her opening teased his tip. She was soaked and he found satisfaction in know that she was pleasured simply from pleasuring him. 

Their kiss deepened and she slowly began to rock herself against him; sliding him in between her wet folds. He matched her thrusts and moaned as her tongue swirled itself around his mouth. She took his lip between her teeth and bit gently using her tongue to soothe it immediately after. 

Her rocking got erratic and she unlatched from his mouth, dropping her head into his shoulder as he felt her body stiffen and shudder with her orgasm.   
She was panting hard and he grabbed her and gently pulled her back to look at him. Her heavy lidded eyes looked down as he grabbed her hips and she grabbed him; easing him into where he felt he was meant to be his whole life. 

He reveled in watching her eyes flutter shut with a hiss of pleasure as he slid home.   
She moved slowly at first; using his shoulders for leverage. She felt so damn good and she knew it because every moan he made brought a smile to her face. 

He wrapped one arm around her middle and slid them to the edge of the bed so that he could brace his feet on the floor and match her rhythm with his own powerful thrust. 

She had lost the power and her loud moaning made that very clear. She couldn’t help it; every thrust hit her spot perfectly and he felt her cum this time, listened to her scream and her juices ran down his legs onto the floor. 

“Oh I love you.” She lost control of her body for a second as it went lax from the orgasm that rocked through her. 

“I love you too. So much.” He said between thrusts. He was so close but he wanted to make her cum one more time.

“Hold onto me baby.” He guided her hand where he needed them to be before he put his thumb at her clit and matched his rhythms with his strokes.   
She gripped him tighter and created her own rhythm riding him for dear life and making sure he bottomed her out. 

His hand slid to her round bottom gripping hard as he felt his release.   
Her moans were loud and wild and her entire body shook with her release. 

He took both his hands and pushed her down on him hard as he emptied himself into her. His grunts were animalistic almost, his teeth sinking into her neck as he came the hardest he had ever before.   
The breathing was loud as they both came down from the high they were on.   
He fell backwards bringing her with him and sleep took them both.  
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When he woke up she wasn’t in bed and he knew she was gone. He made his way into the kitchen to find her at his stove cooking up something that smelled amazing. 

He came up behind her wrapping his arm around her middle, chuckling at the small jump she gave when he touched her. 

“You scared me. I didn’t hear you get up. I was hoping I’d be done before you woke up.”

“What are you making me?”

“Shrimp and grits with a bruschetta and some scrambled eggs for you; sunny side up eggs for me. I’m about to plate it now.”

He lingered for a second and took in her floral shampoo before he left a kiss on her shoulder and walked away.

She came and set his plate in front of him. She was nervous; her hands rubbed her arms and her thighs a number of times. 

“Calm down Claire. It’s just me; we have been friends for a while just think of it like that.” 

“It’s not that simple and you know that. But I’m trying.”  
She gave him a comforting grin and began to eat her food. 

The food was absolutely amazing. He didn’t even know he had everything necessary to make this.

“I went to the store early this morning if you were wondering.”

“I’m really wondering where you learned to cook like this? This is amazing. Like beyond amazing.”

She shrugged it off, stabbing a piece of shrimp with her fork and swirling it around in the grits.  
“I watched a lot of the cooking channel when I was a kid. My mom sometimes would be gone for days at a time so I always had to whip things up with what we had. Sometimes I had to go pocket things at the grocery store because the only thing in our fridge would be condiments. I kept track of everything I stole and one day I gave it back.” 

“That’s good. You have an amazing story Claire; don’t let it break you.”

She nodded and continued to eat.   
She’d gotten silent, blankly staring in her bowl and he knew that she was slipping away; in that head of hers and closing herself off from him. 

He should’ve been used to it; shouldn’t be hurt by it at this point.

“Neil?”

“I know Claire. I know. We don’t have to do this anymore okay? We can just go back to how things were.”

The tears rolled down her face as she stood in silence and gathered her things. She took a tentative step towards him but he shook his head. He couldn’t even look at her and at the click of his front door; his own tears began to fall.  
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Being around Claire was tolerable; he got better at pretending things were normal.

He walked into the locker room to hear sobs that someone tried to hurriedly quiet. 

He knew the sound.  
“Claire?”

After a few seconds of silence, he heard her shift.  
“Yes?” 

“Can I know what’s wrong?”

A few more seconds of silence and then the stall door opened. 

He walked over to find Claire’s tear streaked face looking up at him from the ball she had curled herself up in on the floor. 

He dropped to the floor in front of her.   
“What’s going on?” 

She was silent and she unballed her fist and slid something across the floor to him. 

A pregnancy test.

Positive. 

The air left his body; and he fell back on his bottom, completely astonished.   
“A baby? Wow. Holy fuck.” He dragged his fingers through his hair.

Loving Claire had made things hard.

Having sex with Claire had made things difficult.

Having a baby with Claire? This wasn’t even fathomable. 

He was having a baby with Claire. 

“Are you keeping it?” He was nervous about her answer. 

“I- I don’t know.” She answered honestly.   
Silence over took them once more. 

“Neil?”

“Yes?”

“I’m sorry.”

“Sorry for what Claire?”

“For being such a fuck up and roping you into my fuck ups. You’re such a good, respectable, amazing man. You deserve so much Neil. I don’t want you to love me. I don’t know how to love you. I don’t know how to love anyone. I put your career on the line and I’m so sorry.” She broke down in sobs. 

He’d seen her cry so much at this point and he hated it; hated that he had anything to do with her pain.

“Claire, I’m a grown man. I made my own decision; I was not forced to do anything. I’ve always been attracted to you and as your attending I’ve had to be bigger than my own feelings. Lim even said she noticed. Said that I wasn’t all the way hers even if I didn’t know it yet. At the time, I had no idea what she meant but then you came into my life at a time that we both needed each other. It’s clear that we needed each other. You’ve made me better; I’m not even drinking anymore because you told me not to. I don’t want to contribute to your pain and I know you don’t want to contribute to mine. I know professionally we shouldn’t do this, but now it’s just not about us anymore. I support what decision you make but I know you know how much I want to be a father and I hope you will at least take that into consideration.” 

“What about your career?” 

“I’m going to be truthful. I love you. I couldn’t help that. If I have to step down; so be it. This is important to me. What about you?”

“I don’t know. I don’t want that for you. I have a year until my residency is over. What if I just lay low until then?”

He pondered over it. This was big. Something that he never once thought about, which he knew he should have, and he was disappointed that he hadn’t.

They both heard the door open and straightened up. 

“You’re going to be okay Dr. Browne. Just do what you think is best for you. I’m your boss but I’m also here to support you no matter what. If you ever need to talk; please reach out. Bottling in your stress isn’t good. I can refer you to some good specialists I know.”   
He’d hoped she would read between the lines of his words.

She sniffed and wiped her eyes once more.   
“Thank you Dr. Melendez. I’m sorry for throwing this all at you and I might see about those specialists. Have a good night.” 

He nodded as they walked past Park who nodded in return before throwing a concerned glance at Claire.

When Neil thought about being a father, he always pictured a wife and picket fence to go with it.  
But life had a way of throwing off his plans consistently as of late. 

He prayed that Claire would keep this pregnancy, even though he knew he could not blame her if she didn’t. If she didn’t, he was almost sure that he would lose his faith.

He and Claire had not talked more than professionally for the following two weeks when she was behind the knock on his door one night.  
He moved to let her in.

Her eyes were weary and tired; she looked as though she hadn’t slept in weeks. He knew it was probably true, because he hadn’t either.

“Neil. I just wanted to say that I’m sorry.”

He found himself holding his breath; he was absolutely prepared for the worst. 

“I’m gonna keep the baby. I just- I’m fucking terrified. I don’t know how to be a mom. Neil I don’t even know how to pretend to know what I’m doing.” Tears began to pour down her face and he rushed to her and pulled her into his arms.

“Listen I don’t know how to be a dad either. I don’t think anyone actually knows how to do this stuff.”

“But you at least had a good dad to learn from. I had nothing. I figured out everything by myself. What if I don’t connect to the baby? What if I’m just like my mom?” 

He’d been given a glimpse of the little abandoned girl inside of Claire; finally trusting him enough to open up. 

“You’re nothing like your mom. That’s clear as day just with how you are with your patients. I have no doubt that you will be the best mother there is to our baby. We will go through this together Claire. I’m with you every step of the way.”

She sniffles from the crook of his neck; her warm breath sending a chill up his spine.

“What about our careers?”

He pulled away from her; walking to the couch and sprawling across it patting the space between his legs inviting her. She curled up on top of him and he felt better than he had in months. 

“It’s up to you. I told you I don’t mind stepping down.”

“I don’t want you step down. We can keep this a secret. I’ll just be pregnant but nobody has to know my business and I’d rather them think I was a single mom than have them think I slept my way through my residency. I want to make it through this last year stress free.”

“I’ll make sure that happens.”

They fell into a comfortable silence as she stroked her hands up and down his chest and he twirled his fingers through her curls.

“Neil?”

“Yes Claire?”

She snuggled her way into him,  
“I love you.”

His heart soared. Even with Claire laying on top of him, Neil Melendez felt as light as a feather.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had more chapters written but with the aftermath of 3x20, and less feedback than I’d hoped, I’m ending this story here. 
> 
> If you’d like a continuance, please be vocal and let me know! If not, please let me know what could be done better or what you’d like to see.


End file.
